cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
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If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it