@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

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@robfee

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

@SLNerf_Herder

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

@TheHatdog

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

@1AIMMadellynne

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

@OllyiConic

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@notacroc

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

@gmossii

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

@JimmerThatisAll

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.