COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.