@Reverend_Scott

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

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@ojedge

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

@KattsDogma

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

@ZachSvobodny

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

@FredTaming

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!

Him: don’t you mean desert?

Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

@electrolemon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

@SummerSongGirl

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house