COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!