Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
the #horror is real!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana