@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

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@decentbirthday

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

@

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

@briancthayer

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

@SortaBad

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

@clichedout

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

@Professor_Ryan

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

@omgshuddup

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.