Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”
Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.