Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.