Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.