cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.