cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
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My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Yup!
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.