Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Effort made
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off