Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Saw your ex at the shops

An odd boast

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.