Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹