Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu