Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.