[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.