Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.