COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.