cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡