cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Gemma Correll
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing