Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
You Might Also Like
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Ferrari squats
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Bros before Ohioes
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon