Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
that’s really how it is
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
The only good comments section online is on recipes
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in