cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
There’s only one good girl here!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?