Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
this makes me so uncomfortable
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised