COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My birthstone is a marshmallow
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.