Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me: um… Coldy
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.