Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me: um… Coldy


Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.


Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.


Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.


mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
me: Stuffing
me: Plates


When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.


“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair


Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.