cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
🐕🍷
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote