cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You Might Also Like
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably