Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
good for her
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Born to be mild.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.