Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.