Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
NASA has no chill
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche