cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Wedding planning is organized crime.
#titanic
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids