Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
You Might Also Like
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom