@malt_skull

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

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@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@_chase_____

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

@SteveKoehler22

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@clichedout

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

@Cpin42

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky