Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?