cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.