Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.