Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

She knows her part so well!

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Oh we’ve met.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!