Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
You Might Also Like
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude