Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

how many bears make up a bear minimum

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.