@jakelikesnaps

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

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@BMcCarthy32

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

@OBiiieeee

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

@IsaacDisdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

@HannahAntics

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.