Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.