Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
*puts my mental health in rice
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”