cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Why font matters.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Hmmmmm
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.