cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
No regrets in 2018
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now