Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Wednesday
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try