Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Mad Max: Furry Road
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.