Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Buying a well is money well spent.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????