[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
This is my bus stop.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband