Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.