Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I am, perchance
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?