Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Every work meeting this week
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.