Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
when someone compliments me
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Who wants to be my Valentine?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.