Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
🤣😈🤣
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.