COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
every college guy’s fridge
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever