Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993