Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.